This morning, I came to a disturbing realization. I have no desire. For anything.
I remember when I used to be motivated. I remember when I used to want to do things. I remember I knew what fun meant. And I realized that I just have no desire for any of the things that I used to love to do. I don’t know where it all went.
So, I wanted to start with what I do know. I know this is not wholly caused by my disease. I have been sick for a long time, and I know that I still wanted to do things when I was sick. And I still did things when I was sick. So, I can’t completely blame the disease.
Now, I just wish I could get back to the stuff I love. I used to love watching college football and this year didn’t even blink when I missed the big game. I used to love going shopping, but now I dread it. I used to love watching movies in the theater I would even go by myself. But not, even for ones I really wanted to see, I just can’t get excited to go. I used to love to organize things and make my house look great. Now, I can’t even get the motivation to empty this dishwasher, let alone put things away. I used to love to sew, now unfinished projects dot my house, and I have no desire to finish them. I don’t even want to read anymore. And reading was one of those things that I have loved doing since the 4th grade.
I don’t even want to run my business anymore. And I have given a lot to my business to try to get it up and running. Right now, I am ready to walk away. That scares me and gives me pause.
I thought last weekend that all I needed was a vacation. I haven’t been on a real vacation in years. I have gone places, but I worked while I was there for all of them. I have not taken a real break in probably four years. I started thinking that might be all I need because I have been working so hard. I just need a break, right?
I also thought, maybe I just need to get my space organized or give it a sprucing up. I always used to love doing that. So, I started on that today and found that I had no real desire to do anything.
And that is when I finally realized that I am just not in a good place right now. My body felt really good today, but mentally, all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and hide from the world.
This is not good and not where I want to be. So I am recognizing that I need to do something to change. I am not completely sure what that is yet, but I know something needs to change. Because I want to want to do things again. Hopefully, I can figure it out.