Today, I am happy.
One year ago I was depressed.
Today, I just finished writing Christmas cards, and I am going to make candy.
One year ago, I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t send Christmas cards. I didn’t make candy or cookies. I didn’t participate.
Today, I am consistently writing a blog. I feel good about my finances. I love my job.
One year ago, none of these things were good.
Today, I am happy with myself. Comfortable in my body. Comfortable in who I am.
One year ago, I was miserable in my body. I hated the way I felt and looked.
Today, I am happy.
So, what happened in one year?
I took control of my mental health. I took control of my happiness. I let go of other people’s expectations, and I got help to navigate from a very dark place to where I am today.
This time last year, I wasn’t yet in the place where the dark thoughts live. I just knew that I wasn’t enjoying life anymore. I no longer had any interest in my hobbies. None of my favorite things were sparking any kind of excitement or joy for me. I knew something wasn’t right but didn’t recognize the depression yet. It is funny to me how even after dealing with this most of my life, the signs and symptoms change and morph into something new each time. And even though I know what to look for, sometimes I miss it even in myself. It is a tricky little bastard this depression.
In January and February, the dark thoughts began and then I knew it was time to bring in the big guns and get back into therapy. When the dark thoughts start, the only way out for me is to talk to someone who knows nothing about me. I feel safe there and can be myself, honestly. I love that there is no judgment and no shame when going to a therapist (as long as your other people don’t know). And sometimes, that is all I really need.
This year, I needed a little more, and I am still working with a therapist every few weeks. And I am happy today. The dark thoughts are gone, and I know that I am worth something, life is worth living, and I have good things to contribute to the world.
I am hoping I can make this stick for a while.
I also know that I have so many things to be hopeful about.
I have new family to get to know in the coming year, and I am excited now to see where that path leads. (If you don’t know what this is, read this!)
I have a great job where I am growing and changing myself and the company.
I have so many people who love and care about me. I am trying to be a light in their world.
And, I hear that I am helping people with this blog. I hope I am, but my goal is just to tell my story. I hope that you read it and realize you are not alone in the world. I am finding as people reach out, I am not alone. Everybody has a story, and we are all connected. I love you all.
If you are struggling or need to talk, please reach out to the National Suicide Prevention hotline at this link or call them at 1-800-273-8255