Last week’s blog prompted some interesting conversations and soul searching this week.
I started reading this book, “Belong” by Radha Agrawal, and one of the things that she talks about doing in the book is mapping out a timeline of your life. I put the book down at that point because I didn’t want to make the time to do this. But, the idea stuck in my head for the whole week. And after last weeks revelation that I was basically afraid of life, I started to think back to when that might have started.
I thought back to the first time I had an anxiety attack that I could remember. I was volunteering as a starter at a car race in LaJunta, CO. There were tons of gnats flying around, and I had a severe attack, so bad that I ended up almost fainting and needing to go sit in the ambulance on oxygen for a few minutes just to calm myself down. It was embarrassing and was the beginning of the end of my enjoyment of car racing. I wouldn’t necessarily put that on a timeline of life events, but really, it has affected me in many ways. I think that the reason I don’t enjoy going outside any more has a lot to do with bugs and this feeling of anxiety I get when I am around them.
And while I was vacuuming my house this weekend, my mind was pondering what my life might be like when I get a dog because I have my heart set on getting another greyhound. I realized that somehow, I have gotten a little obsessive about having a clean house, about not wearing shoes in the house, about things having a spot and not being out of place. Part of this is being in a rental and not wanting to destroy the carpet and keep things nice in the house. But I realized part of it grew out of a need to bring back control into my life after leaving my controlling ex-husband. I was going over in my head things like there will be more dog hair all over my life, and there might be wet paws coming in from outside, and I am not going to be able to control all of that. Maybe part of what I need to do is just remember that I don’t need to have that control and I can let go sometimes.
Finally, I had a good conversation with a friend on Twitter, and she reminded me that sometimes depression can cause and enhance a lot of what I talked about in the blog last week. And I am sure that I have a low level of depression going on at any time. I know that I often deal with that roller coaster where I fall into a deep depression for a time, but then I make it out and figure out how to live again. These are all things that I am dealing with all the time.
But I also believe that I know how I can deal with these things at any given time. I can’t use anti-depressants like most people. I have had adverse reactions to all the ones that I have tried. (think serious stuff like hallucinating little green men) So, I go to therapy. I do acupuncture. I am learning to meditate. I listen to bedtime stories to fall asleep. I have all kinds of tools.
And this week, I get to share one of my tools with you guys.
I use the Calm app to try to meditate (I am still learning) and for the bedtime stories. I think right now that there is nothing better than a very British voice reading me a story to help me fall asleep. I have searched the app for all of them, and I have them on a rotation. It is the best way to fall asleep.
Anyway, I realized today that I have been writing this blog every week for a year now. I can’t believe it.
And the Calm app has given me 5 free trials to give away.
So, to celebrate a year, if you are interested in trying the Calm app out to see if it can help you, shoot me a comment or a DM on Instagram or Twitter, and the first five people who contact me will get those free trials. (I am not sponsored by Calm, nor do I make any money off of this, I just love the app. Huge props to my soul sister Kristen who gave me a free trial!)
I hope you all have a wonderful week and if you are in the US, get to enjoy a day off on Monday. I am spending my labor day reorganizing my sewing area and setting up a home office. Very excited that sewing season is back! (in case you are wondering, my favorite time to sew is during college football games 😉 )