Back in August, I wrote a blog about how I was fearful of leaving my house and doing things. And I said I was going to start doing more. Getting out of the house and doing things.
This weekend, I realized that my body, my head, and my heart all want different things, and I am not sure how to reconcile the three.
I spent the month of October doing things on the weekends. I got out and saw friends. I ran errands. I left my house when all I wanted to do was stay home. I pushed out of my comfort zone. Following the words I said in my blog.
I was drained. Even caught a cold for a while. And with the start of a new month, all I wanted to do yesterday was hibernate in my house. I didn’t because I had plans, but it was what I really wanted.
Inside my world, I am fighting with myself.
My body needs rest, I know this. And I am getting less rest now during the week because in my new job I have a longer commute and I am not at home as much during the week. So, the weekends are really my only option for rest, and at least one day of the weekend is usually spent doing chores and getting ready for the next week. These are the trials and tribulations of a chronically ill person. Sometimes, I just have to listen to my body.
My heart, however, wants all these things like time with friends and family, and activities. It wants to be involved and active and connect with people. So, it drives me to do fun things. It feels so fulfilled when it connects with the world and gets out of the house, but that can make the body very angry.
Leaving my head trying to balance the two and make both happy. Give the heart what it wants while still taking care of the body. Right now, I don’t know if I am doing a good job since all I want at this moment is a vacation where I don’t talk to anyone or leave my house for days.
I am also finding that this isn’t really something I bring up to a lot of people, because let’s face it, I am in a unique situation. I don’t have a family to worry about, I don’t even have a dog right now to take care of. And I am pretty thankful for that because I don’t know if I could do all of that anymore. I think one of the ways that I manage my illness so well is that I don’t have a bunch of additional responsibilities to do and so I can focus on me much more than most people.
I don’t know if that is a good or bad thing. I want a lot of things right now that I am not sure I can handle, so I am trying different stuff. I am hoping I will be able to make it work someday. Find that balance that my head is looking for while I satisfy the head and the heart.
Thanks for being my therapy session each week and letting me stream of consciousness my thoughts on this page each week. Here’s hoping we all find a little piece of balance this week.