My calendar for April has these words “Magnificently Borken.” (Thanks to Jenny Lawson aka @thebloggess for those words)
I think these are the perfect words for this time in our lives.
I feel borken these days.
I go from good to bad in a heartbeat. Up and down.
It isn’t the being at home all the time (I love that!)
It is fear and anxiety about leaving my house. It is worrying about getting sick. It is crazy dreams that make no sense.
I know that I have it good in this whole thing. I have a job where I can work from home and still make good money. I have family and friends who are connected, and so we can meet virtually and talk on the phone. I have enough privilege to donate to favorite charities and attend online classes.
And yet, I still carry this fear of going out where there might be people and of doing simple things like grocery shopping. I know I shouldn’t have this great fear of getting sick, but a piece of me thinks if I just never leave the house, I can prevent these germs from finding me.
And then I feel great shame over all of this because I again have the privilege to not leave my house. I have friends and family who work on the front lines of this mess, and they do not get to stay home. So, I worry about them and their safety and feel guilty that I am at home.
Is anyone else feeling this great mess of emotions?
Some days, I feel like I am the only one.
I am trying to manage it. I didn’t watch the news yesterday at all. I am trying to limit my intake of information. Still, there is so much that floods my inbox and social media every day. I am muting people constantly on Twitter and Facebook so I can limit the craziness.
But I miss my routine of going grocery shopping each week. I took for granted that I was able to visit two or three stores to find what I needed, and I really took for granted being able to go into each one without fear of other people. I am hoping that when I come out of all of this, I won’t take these everyday things for granted anymore. I am hoping I can make a lasting change to cherish what I have in this life.
But for now, I am doing the best I can while we are in this magnificently borken time. I hope you are too. And for those I love on the front lines, whether it be in the medical field, grocery stores, airports, or maintaining things behind the scenes, I am thinking of you each day and praying you stay safe and healthy.
(Photo credit to Jenny Lawson)