Normal

Every day, I write in a journal and I usually write the same things. I do something that I am grateful for, I write about how my day went, and I wrap up with health stuff. Depending on the day, I might also write about something that I can’t wrap my head around or something that I would talk through with someone if there were someone who lived with me. It is a formula that helps me keep track of what is happening but also allows me to work through issues that might come up or doubts I might have in my head. I have been thinking about applying that same formula here to an extent.

Grateful:
This week, I am very grateful for vaccines. Not only do they help keep me healthy, I have great access to them. And this week, they allowed me to start entering the world again with much less fear about getting sick. I went to the hardware store and I wasn’t fearful that all those unmasked people might get me sick. It almost felt like normal again. Like I could be annoyed with people for all the other reasons they annoy me. Normal.

My life was pretty boring this week. We had a short week at work, which always means that I try to cram 5 days of work into 4 and I work later. But, it was nice to have a Friday off and get things done around the house. I am re-caulking my bathtub for the third time at this point because the caulk keeps cracking and getting moldy. Since I am allergic to most molds, I need to keep it clean. I have read all kinds of tips and blogs at this point, so hopefully it stays good this time around.
I also decided to take Monday off and get my garden planted (hopefully). I get all excited when I have these kinds of weekends because I feel much less stressed about getting everything done. I feel like I give myself time and the ability to rest when needed so I don’t tire myself out too much and I don’t aggravate my already tender body.

Health:
Which brings me to my health. I have been struggling with my body for the last couple of weeks. The aches and pains of the Fibro have been getting worse and it is a struggle to get out of bed most mornings because of the constant pain. I know that these are somewhat brought on by me trying to do more during my day. Things like cooking dinner or taking an extra walk to get more exercise. When I combine those things with my regular work day or a very busy weekend day, I tend to overdue it and something has to give. Last night, it was cooking dinner. I ate cheese and crackers because I didn’t even have the energy to heat up a frozen dinner, let alone do the cooking I was supposed to do because I crammed too many things into my day.
In my mind, I struggle with a dichotomy. I want to look and feel “normal” and do all the things a “normal” person does. I don’t want to need a rest break. I want to be able to walk 2-3 miles a day. I want to be able to work an 8 hour day and then still do things afterward like cook or workout. And I remember before I developed this disease when I could do those things. I want to do them again. I just haven’t figured out how to get there. This is the challenge.

So, as I work on designing my life, one of my priorities is trying to feel good again. Not sure yet how I am going to get there, but I am determined to try. I am also determined to try to stay positive on the journey so I leave you with a wish every week to send positivity out into the universe.

This week, I wish you all a week that makes you smile! Hopefully, I will have a full garden making me smile by next week’s blog!