I am hiding from life.
Making myself smaller in the world, so no one notices me too much.
I was watching a YouTube video this week where these guys react to songs while they listen to them for the first time. I have been watching them do country songs because it is not their preferred genre, and it is hilarious. I watched a song this week that I just adored when I was younger called Neon Moon. And I had to get up and dance to it because it is the perfect cowboy cha-cha song.
Two things happened:
1. I realized that I am really out of shape. I was winded after dancing to just that one song. When I was going out 2-3 times a week in my 20’s, I could dance all night.
2. I realized that somewhere along the way, I let fear take over and now that limits almost everything I do. I don’t go out dancing anymore. I don’t go hiking or walking or biking or anything anymore. Yet I longingly look at others doing these things because I would really like to do them.
Then yesterday, I visited one of my friends and her family. We had great fun and went mini-golfing and took their new dog for a walk. It was a great day. I was utterly exhausted at the end of the day. And that got me thinking about this whole hiding from life thing. Why can’t I be the type of person who can leave her house in the middle of the day on the weekend to go take a quick walk?
When I was younger, I did not need to have others to go do stuff with. I would go for a walk on my own. Or take out my bike, or skates and would just go do things. So, it is not about being alone, I like doing things by myself sometimes.
Somewhere over the last 10 years or so though, I have developed a fear of just doing something that anyone would do. Going for a walk in my neighborhood. Getting in the car and going to a park. Meeting up with friends. Completely irrational fears that make no sense. I mean, I love my friends so why does it make me nervous to go meet up with them for dinner. And I love walking, so why can’t I make myself leave the house.
I am sure there is some big explanation related to the divorce and trauma and all of that. There is probably some underlying thing about controlling my environment since my life was being controlled when I was married. But I want to move past that, and get back to really living life.
So, today I am reaching out for your help. I want to get a dog within the next year. But I feel like there are a lot of things to do to get myself ready and get my house ready for a dog. I want to know that I can take the best care of a dog when he/she arrives at my home.
I am looking for some accountability buddies. People who also want to accomplish something over the next few months or a year. We can help each other stay on track and do the things that we probably really don’t want to do. If you are interested, post a comment below or reach out on Instagram. Maybe we can create a whole group of accountability buddies if we try.
I want to change, but change is hard. I know I will need help. Thanks in advance for helping!
PS. What are you hiding from these days? I would love to know in the comments.